flower.......you ask us "why am I still here?"......Well. flower, you tell US why you are still there....lol. After all, you know yourself better than we will ever be able to. I mean, while we know certain things that you have shared, we have never met you and cannot possibly know you completely and know all of your life experiences. You have been in your own skin from the beginning!
I am going to do some spitballing, here and go out on a limb-----I am guessing that it might have something to do with fear---something that you are afraid of if you leave your current zone of comfort---or, more properly terms as your "zone of familiarity". We humans seem to want familiarity and certainty very, very much----and, so the unknown can really shut many of us down.
I am wondering if I am even warm on this.....for you....?
If so....what are your biggest fears? Can you even say them or know what they are? I know, that, sometimes, for my self, it is even scary to say my fears to my self, because it makes me think about them.
Can you list your three biggest fears of what would happen if you were to stay gone from this relationship?
If you can list them, then, it is possible that we could help you to examine them and help you to begin to really face them....
I am wondering if you have enough support from some real life others....because this is simply too hard for anyone to go alone. We do need other people.....