Hurting
Hi.
First post here. I'm so struggling to get out of this mental state, stop thinking of all the past, the words hes said to me, what I said to him, how bad it hurts. I just want to be a year later, not care anymore, go weeks without one thought of him. This hurt is like no other. Not because of a brutal break up but the harsh nasty cross fire, mostly me, him lying, cheating and past listening to him cry his eyes out drunk to me.... the duis. Waiting for court and getting to the "other side of it" together. And now I'm left with memories, I'm all over the place. Its his addiction, 24 years of it. I didnt know. I dont even know who he is sober, without dry drunk even. I put my everything into it, as many of you did, so mine is petty compared to bring in marriage and kids. But it hurts like crazy! I thought he was gorgeous, he was to me, he was it. I loved all of him.. I knew he was stuck in addiction but couldn't handle the ugly he did to me. And went to my ugly mode slashing back. I have a gut instinct that I'll never hear from him ever again, and maybe that's perfect. Hes mocked me enough that he would never speak to me again ever, but he loved me..screaming at me drunk in Feb.
it just hurts. Like trying to unwind trauma, and I already have past trauma! I didn't see the ugly coming to that level so I'm sick over it. I wanted to still be in touch with him.... and that sounds stupid. Even in his recovery, it's a forced recovery from a dui and probation right now but I wanted to be apart of that.
I need to vent. I'm having a BAD day! it feels so raw like Ill never meet anyone who i adore so much again. I so feel that way. (Not rational) but I still feel that way.
ugh. Addiction sucks!! And I love him.