Rainheart

Hi all, I am a newbie here. My husband is alcoholic and he went to rehab few years ago and that moment I was so happy and proud for him because he decided to checked into rehab by his own decision.
But my happy story ended up when the day he got out from rehab and I found out he already bought the evil vodka. I found the red cap bottles under the bathroom sink. Since that day I admit that I don’t have any little trust ever to him. He admitted it and has a sponsor and life seems fine. Eventhough I noticed every few times he still bought the vodka & lied to me. But I chose to shut my mouth instead confronted him because I knew the reaction will be denial.

So now just as today I noticed he even walked like really bad drunk. ( I never able to forget the years lived in hell every nights, the images and the way he talk, fought and wasted my energy confronted a bad drunk person who won’t remember anything )
At this time his mom is dying of cancer. And he has to be the one in charge for everything. Well I got that.

I feel for him, and I will be on his side to help him or just to cry with him. I told him that he has to be strong, sober for this situation. I told him that I knew he still buying drink ( not bad drunk but yeah I knew if he’s drink from his attitude, the way he talk ).

Today wasn’t the first time since his mom issue that I noticed he has been drunk and more than 2 times he walked like bad drunk. Today I confronted him and of course he denied it. Act stupid, acted like I’m the one who always has a problem with my anger.
He told me to back off the Fck off etc and I was just feel disgusted.

At that moment, honestly I didn’t feel sorry or pity for him about his stress. I said vodka won’t help you.

Tomorrow morning or any other days the problem will always be there. He still needs to deal with everything before and after his mom passes.
He kept intimidated me but I didn’t buy it no more. I didn’t scream top of my lung no more or throw things. He told me that it just you and me! I said yeah of course but There’s no you and me with this condition! I don’t have nor want to deal with drunk to deal with his mom problem. For me, It’s waste of energy to talk / discuss important things with drunk.

Long story guys but I am scare and worry for my well being if the time his mom passes and I’m sure he’ll get that vodka. What worries me that he will drink like the old days make him passes out, can’t control himself to be able to walk straight kinda thing. I knew that he won’t ever be a sober, ever! He’ll always get the drink. But at this time, it’s like a challenge for his own devil inside of him to make a choice.

I got it that alcoholism is a disease but he has a choice. I’m upset because he chose the vodka instead pickup the phone talk to his sponsor.
I don’t know how to handle or ignores this BS. I’m just a normal person, I’ve my own bad and good mood so I can ignore him like I always do for a long time, but I can’t help myself if I sees him with the condition like today. It meant he drank more than one bottle.

I realized that myself is became more angrier since I married him. I know that I angry to myself for staying with him and have a faith that he’ll be change. He doesn’t have a big happy family to start with and fine I dealt with the situation. I just want him to be a better sober person like everyone out there who can be sober for a very long time. I want him to gain my trust back but it seems he doesn’t care. It just lies over lies, empty promises he keep saying you’re right bla bla.

I am tired and I’m not happy, but I choose to makes myself to enjoy things, talk to myself screw him. It’s his own life, his body, keep drinking and maybe he’ll dies. It’s all his own choice. I hate him when he is drink and drunk bad or not bad drunk I just hate it. I don’t even sure anymore if I still love him or I just feel bad for him because he’s a nice person when he’s sober.

Thank you for reading my crappy story. Any suggestion what to do will be very helpful.