Zombiefood

Hi everyone I am new to this site. I found it looking up forums online for recovery and help. I was doing so good for months ( maybe a year ) and I completely fell off the wagon. I am not sure if I am posting in the right area so I wont explain my whole story, but I need help. In a nutshell I was having chronic fatigue and was sleeping half the day. I am dual diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. I talked to my psychiatrist and in the past I abused Adderall as well as Ritalin, I also have abused the medication that was prescribed to me. It is called Modafinil ( Provigil ) it's to treat work shift disorder, narcolepsy, sleep apnea, and anyone basically gets it prescribed to them I just learned to be more alert. It is a controlled substance with a very low abuse potential. For me I am prescribed 200 mgs 3 times a day. Out of three days of having this medication, I took 3 one day. The other days Thursday and today 6 of them. I feel so angry with myself, lost, hopeless, and sad.
I know everyone can slip or relapse it happens to the best of them, but I really thought I could just take 3. I have crippling debilitating anxiety and I take diazepam. I have abused benzos in the past, but for the last couple years I take them 100 percent as I am supposed to. In the past I also have abused opiates ( you name it )
I take a substance called Kratom right now on a daily basis and have cut down tremendously as that helps with my social anxiety as well as my anxiety. It's called Bali, it also takes away the urge to use opiates. It's not thought upon highly by a lot of people, but it's my vice and I think it's a lot better then suboxone or methadone ( which I have nothing bad to say about those )

So I have been living my life taking my kratom everyday as well as my diazepam. I wasn't motivated I would take few naps a day, I literally procrastinated for a few years just to clean my room. ( it was bad ) I just cleaned it. I know it sounds crazy but that's the extent of the lack of motivation, it's really not me being lazy. I am 41 years old and I do have high blood pressure. I also weighed 185 lbs 2 years ago at this time and now I'm at 240lbs.
I can't even walk up and down the stairs more then 3 times really fast my physical health has really gotten bad. Of course I always say "tomorrow" I will start working out. "Tomorrow I will start doing what I am supposed to be as far as just making basic phone calls. I'm not trying to throw out the excuse card, but it's anxiety on just making a phone call sometimes.

So that is a dual diagnosis. I remember a couple months ago laying in bed watching netflix and thinking how much better my life is being off the substances ie,,,provagil. ( Just took my kratom and diazepam as prescribed ) which I feel guilty about,

Right now I have no idea what to do. I only have medicaid so I can't really go to an inpatient facility and my options are very limited. I was blessed to be approved for SSI so I get a little income every month. I know my situation could be a lot worse. I could be out snorting heroin or snorting adderall like the past and I'm not. Back then I didn't think twice about it.
Now though, I feel like a full fledge addict again. In the last 2 months I have had ( I call them mini because they are one night ) I have had about 7 mini relapses taking more provigil ( a stimulant upper ) So 7 nights in about 2 months I have abused a medication.
I also realized even without abusing anything and not abusing pills I haven't been living a sober "lifestyle" I have read ( which is true ) a relapse can even be a materialistic item to bring you instant gratitude. So I have been there and done that as well. A lot to change.

I know I already hit rock bottom, but I'm in bad shape now as far as not knowing what to do. I used to go to AA meetings but I felt like I was cheating the program because I was not being honest with my sponsor and telling him I take diazepam as he wouldn't have approved. With Covid now a lot of resources are a lot more limited as well. I know I could go to the emergency room and kind of talk up my situation so I can go to detox for a few days but then it's back to living life the wrong way. I have so many things to fix it's just so hard being this overwhelmed. It's so cliché one's too many and a thousands never enough, but so true.

It's also true that this was my insanity doing something so many times one way and thinking I could change it and just take my regular dose.

Thank you for reading if anyone has any feedback it would really help. I'm also here to help and support in the forums. I hope someone could relate or in the past relate. The dual diagnosis makes an addiction a lot harder ( for me personally ) because my body always feels ****** up. Ie...anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and all the stuff that comes with mental illness.