Thanks for the welcome here and responses, dwtbd and msl999. I'm excited about this new phase. I'm almost done with re-reading the book and find it immensely helpful. Much more straightforward that SMART, and I like that I no longer feel that I do it wrong if I don't attend meetings and talk with others about my addiction, recovery and momentary BS feelings (of the Beast mostly) all the time. I've read a lot of the posts about AVRT on this forum a long time ago, then again last weekend, and plan to go through that 9-part thread again once I'm done with the book. I'm delighted that finally I can really use my natural strength of being rational and methodical and am not told all the time that I have it wrong with that orientation, and external help is what I need to seek the most. I get why it works for many, but we are not all the same kind of people.
It's pretty amazing to realize how many manifestations my AV took over the years, some I recognized but others completely blinded and fooled me. I even made a career out of it for >10 years, studying addiction (the mechanisms in the brain and associated behaviors, very compatible with the structural model in the book but much more detailed and current). That was interesting and don't think useless, but it tied me with my Beast and AV more than the opposite, because virtually every single day was loaded with either doing the science or analyzing myself, usually a combination of both. Trimpey writes about how the AV can take the form of endless research and medical treatments, and I really had to laugh reading that part, because it describes a major manifestation of mine so well. I'm happy to be free of that job now (quit the job earlier this month). My new career will continue including a lot of the science, but in a different way, and I'll apply it differently. It's all a great relief.
And yes, I absolutely recognized my episodes of intense discomfort and restlessness in the description of that "vertigo" state, it's very accurate. Especially from my last ~4 months, when I was much more aware of it in the moments than earlier (earlier I would usually just let the Bast take over quickly). I was not using AVRT in most of that time, more the SMART tools, and as you know, I eventually gave in to it. I think even SMART was too complicated for me and had that element of too much analysis. Luckily, my recent drinking was relatively brief, and even more luckily some of the discussions on my SR threads helped to point out some of my obvious fallacies, and eventually led me to what I do believe is the right direction now: to my own Big Plan and getting into the a more straightforward approach with AVRT. It instantly quickly a lot of the useless noise in my head and the idea that it's helpful to constantly talk about it. I need to get used to it and master my techniques, but it feels good, also because I have a lot of interesting and engaging occupations in my life and I can focus on those more instead of obsessing about the addiction all the time. I really do think it's exactly what I needed and kinda weird why it took so long, but here we are. I also completely understand why many people who successfully use AVRT don't post here a lot and move on - I feel internally myself how that is the most helpful approach with this. I wasted so much useless time and energy with all the bla bla bla, actually need to unlearn that as well
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