Wow! So glad this link was shared in a recent post. This is exactly what it feels like. This is a huge eye opener to be able to name it. I can finally see it for what I was doing and waiting for and hoping for. And the anxiety I felt when I didn’t get the pellet.
I cut the pellets off a month ago. It doesn’t feel good. But it helps to have perspective on it now. I still hope he changes/heals/gets sober. I know the chicken in me would still want that pellet. But I told him I need more than the pellet. And he was ok with taking the pellet and going back to his comfort and escape from life’s pains by avoiding being vulnerable and by drinking (I assume). He didn’t show a single crack in the wall around his heart when I let him go. He’s not ready. Too much pain. And I learned from a poster on here that he isn’t rejecting me, he is saving himself from the vulnerability and pain that he would need to go through if he gave up the coping mechanism and broke down the walls. It hurts to see a man who I feel really cares for me and who is truly a good soul be unable to allow himself to feel anything anymore because the pain was so great before. I don’t believe his intentions are malicious at all. For him, only giving the pellet or crumb is self-preservation. I just can’t be the one consuming the intermittent pellets anymore.