Originally Posted by
silversky 
My stomach dropped when I read your post Bidgdrunner. I have had much in common with your wife and I also married in 2004. I've had years like you describe. About 4-1/2 years ago my dear husband gave me an ultimatum to quit or move out. I did quit that day and made it 6 months. Then I relapsed secretly for 6 months, then I quit for 18 months, then relapsed again for 2 years. Now quitting again. I never moved out and I never drank in front of my husband again. He's a decent man and a very good husband. I feel great shame about my drinking. I hold a job. We are all different but certainly share many patterns, the water bottles, hiding bottles in plain sight, drinking in my home office, the denial, the store runs, etc.
I obviously took great risks but I never wanted to leave our marriage or our house or our pets. That ultimatum was life-changing but I'm obviously still trying to change. Just sharing another experience. I don't know if my secret drinking was known by my husband, probably, maybe. I have also gone to AA meetings off and on over the years after that ultimatum. Even in relapse, I am always trying to quit. Your post makes me want to try harder. I hope there is some seed of benefit in my reply. Your post really touched me.
Hello, and thanks for replying. Can I please just say one thing from my own experience that it is almost impossible for secret drinking to actually stay secret. I can tell within 15 seconds not only that my wife has been drinking, but also how much. Up to half a bottle means she's overbearing and overly talkative. Up to a bottle means she has slightly glazed eyes and a puffy face, over a bottle and and she staggers and slurs, sand close to two and she passes out. I can also smell it a mile off, and when she sleeps drunk she snores like a motorbike!
So, I expect he knows, and is either too stressed, depressed or bored to do anything about, or he's decided he loves you so much he'll just put up with it.
I've given my wife a few ultimatum now, but she's still not at the state where she accepts a problem. Passing out is because she's tired, or had too many paracetamol or some such, totally ignoring the can of beer and two bottles of wine (last night's effort) that she'd drunk and which we've just spoken about right now.
Your husband either really loves you, or is scared witless about the alternative (or probably both) but either way, chances are, he'll be lonely, depressed, stressed and in total emotional turmoil about what he can do to help you or address the situation. Ultimately, it's in you to realise and change and his only real options are to put up or to leave.
Good luck, and thank you for your thoughts, I'm finding this thread really helpful.