Sasha4

So, longstory short, I'm trying to understand what goes through the heads of people in this situation.
Do they want to cut down - yes more than anything. More than anything I wanted to be able to have 2 drinks and no more. Or no drinks and a hot chocolate instead to help me sleep. Or not drink Monday to Thursday and only on weekends. Or only drink 1 glass of wine a night. Or no spirits anymore just beer or shandy. It never works if you are a problem drinker. We all make plans like these. It is a common trait. They rarely succeed.

Do they feel awful the next morning, do they still get hangovers like regular drinkers? Yes. I often woke up still drunk. So my hangover didn't kick in until the afternoon. The only thing that made me feel better was another a drink. When I learnt about hair of the dog, thats when I knew I was in trouble. There is a saying in AA about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Thats what everyday becomes like. You just feel sick and tired every day.

Do they know they're drunk and behaving ridiculously or is their sense of reality so warped that they just don't see it (or in fact, do they see it but just suppress it in order to carry on), how do they feel when they wake up having passed out on the sofa?
Drinking gets rid of the anxiety part of a hangover. It gets rid of the physical illness of a hangover. I became past caring. I was so unhappy in life, I didn't care anymore. I was unhappy at work, at home, with family. Drink was a comfort blanket. I used to wake up cold on the sofa at 3am most mornings. If I had drink left, I would have another one. I would feel crushed I had let it happen again. I was powerless to change it. It was a cycle or a prison I could not break free from. More than anything I wished I could have been like a "normal girlfriend" - in bed at the same time, at a decent hour, teeth brushed, 3 step cleansing and moisturising routine, ready to sleep and lights out.

Some other facts

1. Driving home from work without booze was like a military process. These were my continual thought processes - "you can do it" too "just a half bottle, then bed at 9pm" to a half bottle is only 20p less than a full bottle. What a waste of money, I will get a full one and make it last 2 nights". It never lasted 2 nights.

2. The off licence/supermarket/Co-op/garage are impossible to pass by in the car without stopping. It's like they emit a magnetic force that will not allow you to drive past without buying a bottle. The sheer worry of going home without drink is unbelievable pressure. We usually never go to the same one either. There will be a rotation of shops and stop offs on the way home or if we pop out for booze. We don't want the shop keeper thinking we have a problem.

3. The state of the recycling bin is a constant source of stress and shame. The noise when it is emptied, the glass clinking, the cans..........wishing they were diet coke and not G&T.

4. I'm going to stick my neck out and say this. Most of my female friends drink at least a bottle of wine every single night of the week. I had a manager who drank 2 bottles every single night. The arrival and popularity of Prosecco in the UK has magnified this. It is to a degree accepted and it should not be. It is not normal. A bottle of wine contains 8 units. 2 bottles can be 16 units a night. That is over 112 units a week. In the UK, for women, safe units are between 14 to 21 a week. It has to stop somehow. Your wife will probably know she is drinking too much. If she was like me, then I questioned my drinking every single hour of the day. Why was I drinking so much? Was it bad to drink every night? Was it bad to start at 5pm? Does anyone else do this? Why is it so hard to drive home from work and not pick up a bottle on my way home?

For a long time, I made excuses. Like well I'm not drinking as much as so and so. She drinks 3 bottles of wine. That girl from work, she drinks 2 large gins every lunch time. I don't drink during the day, so I bet I am fine. I have never driven drunk and that neighbour does, so I must be alright. It is like a constant chatter in your head. It never stops.

For me I had to stop.
It was all or nothing for me.
I never lost my job, lost my licence or became homeless. However my drinking was a problem because it made me unhappy and the people I loved unhappy and that was enough to make me stop.

I learnt everything I knew about addiction here at SR.
I went too AA and found it to be a place of wisdom, knowledge and support.
I listened and found similarities with their drinking and mine.

You can go to an open meeting and listen.
You can go to an Al Anon (for family members of Alcoholics) and learn about red flags and listen to sharing of experience.
At the moment Covid has stopped group meet ups but there are many meetings taking place on Zoom.
Why not go and ask questions? You don't have to tell anyone. No-one will know if you don't want them to.
You do not have to commit life membership. It's take what you need and leave the rest.

All these questions will be answered.
You cannot make your wife go or stop drinking.
Thats her decision.
However you can put yourself in the best possible place by acquiring knowledge, understanding why and learning how to respond to the situation.

I'm not sure if you know but alcoholism is classed by the medical profession as a disease.
It is seen as no different to cancer or MS.
It has stages.
It is incurable.
It is a progressive disease.

Maybe your wife does not have the disease of alcoholism. No-one wants to be an alcoholic. Ive never met anyone who wants to be married to one either. Or have one as a parent. Would it not be a sensible move on your part to understand better so you can respond better?

I wish you the best xx