“The sober me being left with my own thoughts and anxiety which drink suppresses is what scares me the most. ”
yes.
and when/while you are waiting, during those times, for your drinking to begin on the next drinking day, there is no impetus to make any changes so that your own thoughts, anxieties, being with yourself unsuppressed can be addressed in non-drinking ways.
there is no reason for you to learn how to “be” when still drinking.
all the ways you are attempting/using to control this thing really just speak to the lack of “normalcy” in regards to your relationship with booze.