Originally Posted by
Tomsmith316 
Deep down I know you are all right. Continuing drinking only leads one place.
For the last 3 years i have been able to keep my intake under 40 Units by willpower and fear of bad health but I reckon I could easily just keep going. Convincing myself by taking 3 days off a week will keep it in check and in terms of physical addiction I think I have succeeded.
My problem is the mental aspect. The void I feel when not drinking, it may sound silly but it almost feels like boredom or a feeling nothing is as good as drinking. I can watch TV but it doesn't replace drinking and listening to music. I'm waiting for the "Friday night feeling"
The sober me being left with my own thoughts and anxiety which drink suppresses is what scares me the most.
Any small physical symptoms I have in the first 3-4 days after my last drink I can easily overcome. It's after that time I find hard, when there is nothing left to fight but your own thoughts and mental state. The void and what comes next.
Maybe none of that makes sense but that's kinda how it feels day to day.
Thanks for listening.
Tom,
I remember when I drank like that in my twenties. It was easy enough to justify or ignore the reality of how I drank - I convinced myself it was how I chose to be and since it wasn't hurting anyone else it was nobody's business but my own. But the fact that the "sober" days are spent with some level of anxiety and longing for the escape that alcohol provides, my guess is you are one of us. How much that ultimately affects you depends on whether you continue to drink. Though you may be merely dependent but not alcoholic today, if you continue to drink it will slowly get to the point where you can't not drink. The disease is progressive, and the one thing that allows it to progress is continued drinking.
Over the years of drinking I went through successive "never will I ever" type steps until I was drinking a fifth a day every day. I never ended up in a hospital, never lost a job, but my life became a very small circle comprised of work, buy booze, go home and drink to oblivion. By the time I could no longer tolerate my existence and what I had become, it was a pretty stark choice: quit drinking or check myself out. Sounds stupid - but that's how I saw it. I only chose rehab because I figured the other option would always be there if sobriety was as bad as I feared.
That was Christmas 2009. Today my life is full, joyful, and fulfilling. It's absurd to think how close I came to suicide because I couldn't imagine a life like this... that's what it means to be an active alcoholic. I hope you never get there.