So I am typing this in my “window of opportunity” before the depression & anxiety get too loud and I can’t think again.
Today , I will be going to a GP I don’t know to essentially beg for drugs. I have been so “anti” my own mental health medication for so long , it is vaguely comical to me to be in a position where I will be actively seeking it out. Like some kind of meds junkie. But I know if I don’t do this, I am probably not going to be able to stay sober.
My psychiatrist used to have to fight with me about everything. Every additional drug, every minor increase in dosage . Even when I was desperate. ...Hmm. Actually, No. No thanks, doc. Maybe, I will just suffer after all, thanks. (And self-medicate harder) “Yes, we can do it that way. ...or Tanky, have you considered that maybe you don’t actually need to suffer quite so much?”
I am trying to remember these kind of words and phrases she used to use, because I think I know I have probably done enough of doing it “my way” . My way pretty much sucks. Doesn’t work, right? Is how I got here and all. Powerless.
TBH, if this is what my sober life is going to be , then I am pretty sure I won’t be able to sit with it for much longer. I won’t bore you with details of how many close calls I am having through current fog of anxiety and depression. But I did have to cancel a delivery order I made last night.
And now I have noticed first signs that I am also starting to withdraw , again. Because I can’t deal. I am not speaking to my kids beyond functional stuff, I have refused calls from my sponsor and other aa people past few days. Lied to sponsor and said I was too busy with work. But I didn’t actually go to work, yesterday. The colleague who knows about my efforts to get sober also asked after me and I lied. I haven’t been to a meeting for three days. Part of it is “rational” self-preservation , because I know my brain is too cooked to engage and I needed to take pressure down. But also not going to greatly assist over time.
luckily for me, I have you guys here at team D. And SR more generally. Because, for some reason, no matter how stupid my head gets, I can stay honest here. Type it out. Stay accountable.
trying to be kind. To remember that this is the first time I have ever tried to deal w this level of distress totally naked. No alcohol, no drugs, no gaming, no prescriptions. The intensity is just dialled a bit too high, I guess. I need a bit of help with that. And that’s okay. Well at least that is what I am trying to convince myself of.