TheAten

A lot of what you said rings true for me, also Steely. The constant, draining deep self-loathing and hatred did make me dismissive of others around me, even if I didn’t actively choose to be; it always felt like there was a war going on inside me, even when I sat in a quiet room. I used to joke that I could have a blazing row in an empty room because there was so much destruction and anger going on inside me that it had to spill out every now and then, and towards the end of my drinking it spilled out more often than not. Whoever was in the firing line would get hurt by this, even if I wasn’t actually angry at them. The anger would be directed at them, almost serving as a conduit. So hurtful of me to do this, and I’ve said sorry to those who I’ve been able to this far.

I, too, was very angry at my mother and I was angry at my father for a very long time. One day during counselling, about the fifth session, I actually said to my counsellor “yes, I’ve had valid reasons to feel hurt and angry, but my mother has redeemed herself time and time again, how can I ask forgiveness if I don’t grant it myself? The woman deserves a break!” I said it to the counsellor but I think it was really my change of internal dialogue voicing itself out loud. After that, I went to my mother and told her how grateful I was for everything she had done and continues to do, how proud of her I am and how much I love her. And I meant it. I don’t carry much anger with me anymore; I work on things daily, but I’m so much calmer and less plagued by my demons. I don’t think I’d have been able to become sober with the intention of staying sober without counselling honestly. After working through my issues, that intense desire to escape into oblivion has more or less dissipated. I’ll always be vigilant and it’s early days so still much work to do, but every small triumph feels like another brick laid, not this time added to a wall I’m building around myself but to a road for a new path that I want to take.