Points very well taken. Thank you both for reminding me.
Astro, it's so hard for the Al-Anon/ODAT stuff to sink in and, more importantly, stay. I read it (e.g., focus on me, that's all I can change) and it not only makes sense but brings me joy because not only is it helpful but it's so simple -- but then the next day it falls out. It's almost like I'd have to read the literature 24/7 for it to stick? I guess patience and persistence with the literature will help.
BiminiBlue, thank you, too. Thank you for understanding. You are right, of course. It also is an awful feeling. I guess the most painful part is the realization that our whole relationship was just ... a lie. It was built on ... nothing. That's just the hardest part. That I put my truth and my brutal honesty (warts and all) and my heart out there and ... it was all a bunch of lies. It never really existed.
I'll continue with my Al-Anon group, my literature, etc. That's all I can do.