new/old member
My story is sadly familiar, but it is where I'm at, and I need to share. I need to be honest.
So I was here a few years ago, got my act together, fell down, got back up, fell down, got back up. Then COVID hit last March and we were literally just told to go home from work (been online ever since). It was so bizarre and disrupting. A few weeks later my son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was scared about COVID. Terrified for my son, 12 at the time, and his future. I knew what I was doing. I knew my AV had jumped out of the bushes and said, "I'm back!" But I felt like Sh*# and drove to the store. Terrible, I know, and that's the worst part--I knew exactly what was going on and I didn't care. A few nights I even rode my bike to the store at 1:30 am for a few last drinks, as my family slept. Dang it. But I hide it well. The years have taught too many strategies for concealing the fact that I can put away up to two bottles of wine a night. Too many strategies.
Needless to say, here I am again. I feel like I've adapted to the COVID lifestyle, and my son is learning to manage his blood sugar. I'm doing better. But the booze is back. I know how to dig out. I've done it before. But I want it to stick this time. I'm not young anymore, and I need live out my remaining years clean.
I know, the voices of experience here are going to ask for my plan. Right now, I can't think about next week, month, year. Sleep is the biggest challenge for me in the early days, but if I focus on playing the tape forward, thinking about how I want to feel in the morning, I can get through tonight. And that is my first goal: not to drink tonight. And if I feel like the AV is messing with me, I'll put something between me and the action of walking out the door: take a shower, read, play my guitar, write, and I'll come here if I have to. I should have done these things back in March, but I can't undo that. I can focus on now, however.
Thanks for reading and listening. SR was a huge help in the past, and I look forward to joining this community again.
WY