Some great posts again, thank you! I really like the discussion on the "moral" aspects of maintaining an addiction. I know they say addition is not a moral failure (and it certainly isn't), but it clearly causes many. One of the things that led to that stage last weekend when I admitted all this was just not being able to tolerate myself anymore (the culmination of a very rough week prior), in a moral sense. Not just getting tired with maintaining the ever-growing lies and getting lost in them, but the gigantic dissonance internally between my values and how I was living my life.
We discussed something similar in my SMART meeting last night and I found it very helpful there as well. I do have a conscience and a sense of responsibility... that's actually one of the things I like about myself and many other people who know me as well. I had this core element in my youth, and don't feel it has been damaged very badly by all the drinking... more twisted and distorted. The huge dissonance between my moral sense and real behavior was a major component of what precipitated finally coming out with all this. Could not bear it any longer. I think this will be a useful tune on that tape I can play through when I have the urges. The good thing, as I mentioned before, is that I don't really shame and self-hatred now. Getting truthful and starting to really address the addiction has been an excellent remedy for that! I think this is not useless overthinking and it is really very simple.