Hello Elysian, and Welcome to SR! You've landed in a great place for information and support
I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
A few things pop up as red flags to me within your narration:
Originally Posted by Elysian
It's such a unique situation
Really it's not. I've been here at SR for many years, and I've heard similar stories over and over again. This kind of thinking is known as 'terminal uniqueness'. In other words, the thought that somehow your bond/your situation is somehow so special and magical that it is worthy of nearly killing oneself to make it work.
Originally Posted by Elysian
he has struggled with drug addiction for years
This indicates to me that it may take years before he is finally stable and consistent in his recovery.
Originally Posted by Elysian
we bonded over this
My late husband and I bonded over our shared love of many things. But bonding over addiction does not seem to me to be something that makes a good foundation for a long-term relationship.
Originally Posted by Elysian
we bonded very quickly...we were falling in love with each other, and both admitted this felt fast, and kind of scary.
In my life, when I fell hard and fast for someone, it always ended badly. That "instant" connection is not real--it's just those intoxicating brain chemicals at work. When I allowed that to happen, I was always heartbroken in the end.
Originally Posted by Elysian
He says he could relapse next week and then, back to square 1
He's correct and truthful here. He could relapse tomorrow. As he stated before, he has struggled on and off with addiction for years. This is not something that will fix itself overnight. And there is a huge difference between abstaining and recovery. He is in the fight of his life--for his life right now.
I wish nothing but the best for you and this man that you love, but based on my own experience, I would take one giant step backward. Please note that the weekends around here are a bit quieter. Others will be along soon to share their own experiences with you! Hang in there! And maybe go out and do something you enjoy this Halloween weekend!