DriGuy

"but in practice it's not really?" I'm trying to understand what you are getting at here. Intellectually vs practice; Intellectually vs behavior? It feels very intellectual to me, as in totally a process of thought vs an emotional response or a learned behavior like muscle memory.

This of course does not apply in early recovery when both body and mind are craving alcohol in a way that borders on overwhelming. I can't hardly describe that critical battle, because going through that is overwhelmed by anxiety, discomfort, and irritability.

But for me that was followed by intense relief and gratitude of knowing I didn't need to drink anymore, but then you start hearing those horror stories of all those alcoholics who go back out again to suffer again and again. That's where the fear hits you: "Could that happen to me?" And it's not an irrational fear, because it actually does happen to many. I embraced that fear. I fully accepted that it could happen, and then six months in, my AV said, "Sure, Dave, you can handle a drink now. Look at how well you're doing and how far you've come." I thought how right that sounded. I didn't want to drink, but I was being offered wine at dinner, and it seemed to make perfect sense, but thank God for the fear, and although I had embraced it, or maybe precisely because I embraced it, it came came rolling in after a moment like a jump scare in a horror movie.

I felt lucky to have experience that, and I made fear my life line to sobriety... for awhile... until it started to fade due to familiarity and confidence (over confidence maybe? Who knows?) I've always been drawn to logic and thought, but I needed behavior modification to stop drinking, and without fear, I had lost my motivator (that electric shock they give the mouse for pushing the wrong lever). What's left was logic. Granted, logic is not man's default state. It's not mine much of the time either, but you work with what you have.

And this is where you and I might agree. "Intellectually it’s a choice but in practice it’s not really?" Intellect and logic that can lead us to a choice are often at war with what we think we want and what we think we need, so practicing intellect is not quite the same as experiencing it in your head? Is that what you mean? Because I would agree. Choice that leads behavior may not be as easy as rolling off a log, but it's not a big step to put them together in a package either.

I'm not sure why I needed to make an issue out of this. You're OK and I'm OK. The only thing that probably matters is that it resonates with Kaily in some useful way.