I went through the same feelings of fear and doubt when telling my boys that their Dad and I were divorcing. I also saw all the stats about kids growing up in single parent homes doing poorly academically etc etc. It freaked me out. Then I did research on kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes where the parents stay together. Guess what? Worse or equally bad outcomes when compared with children of single parent homes.
The variable is the stressful environment of the home life and the dysfunction of the adults in that home whether single or married. All kids in a stressful home do poorly. I have 3 A brothers. We grew up in a chaotic alcoholic father/codie mother environment. None of us are terrible ppl but my brothers are really messed up, unfulfilled, addicted, and unhappy people. And I had a sh*t ton of terrible thought/relationship patterns I had to (STILL have to) work very hard to change. Can I blame my parents for that? I mean we'll never know if it would have altered my brothers' life choices had my mother been able to face my dad's alcoholism honestly and get US some help.
I found it helpful to send my kids the message that I knew they were strong/resilient enough to manage this difficult situation. I never bad mouth their Dad, (and I am lucky as I know he never bad mouths me). I let them see me vulnerable, told them it was hard for me too, even though it was the right thing to do, and marveled with them at the strangeness of life and the way the road you're on sometimes isn't the one you thought you took!
Since I was the child of parents who did not divorce, I asked them through the years to tell me what they were feeling, how was it going? What's challenging about their home life? They got to be the experts and educate me on the process at times...showing them this respect made them feel strong and capable, I could see it when they shared things with me.... All of this combined stance of warmth and openness actually created a super tight bond between me and my boys that is strong to this day.
And they have grown into lovely young men, they have friends, they have normal amounts of anxieties and neuroses, they are kind, they did well in school, they completed college degrees, they are not addicted to alcohol or drugs, they have healthy romantic attachments....so what more could I have hoped for?
My son's nursery school teacher at the time of my divorce told me about her father dying when she was 8 and how hard it was for her and her sister and her Mom...and when she went off to college her roommate freshman year was a little overly piteous of this fact and so the teacher called home and asked her mom, "Am I supposed to be totally messed up because we lost Dad so long ago?" And her Mom said, "No, we have sorrow, but also life to live!" This teacher told me to take the attitude that this divorce is not the worst thing that can happen in our family, yes it is sad, and hard, and disappointing for the children, and yet the ability to overcome any hardship is within their ability and that I am always there to listen, provide encouragement and resources as needed!
P.S. I got a very good therapist during that first year of my divorce - she helped me with all this stuff so much. I was a wreck and not thinking clearly or rationally sometimes. And if the kids had been struggling and needed it I would have gotten them therapy stat too...I was pretty broke but I found a community mental health center that had a sliding scale...it was worth every penny.
Sending you a shot of courage and ((((hugs))))...it is so hard....but making that change was lifesaving for me!
Peace,
B.