A big part of recovery, almost the only part, is to not drink when you really need a drink. Each time you do that you grow a little bit more, each time you take that drink, you lose, and lose a lot. I read the rest of your post, and I understand. Your relationships have sucked, probably more than anyone's. I'm very sorry for that. Just keep in mind that drinking won't make any of that better. I wish you the best.