I think that's the AV speaking to you. It wants you to believe life feels better numb, when in reality, being aware and present in life is far better.
I do think you need to decide alcohol doesn't belong in your life if you want to recover. I notice in another post, you mentioned stopping for about 100 days and then relapsing a couple of times and that the longest sober run you'd had was about 4 months. It sounds like you have trouble staying stopped with regards to drinking, which would I think, point towards you being an alcoholic. But, that's something you need to decide for yourself.