Originally Posted by
Stany 
Ah, I got it.
That’s something I’ve been working on with little success — how to exit the circular, accusatory conversations. When I try, he follows.
We have a couple of “safe words” for taking a break or exiting conversations entirely but he doesn’t respect them. He either just follows me or pulls me back in (again, acting reasonable). I’m ashamed to say I’ve let him. What I need to work on is standing my ground and just refusing to participate. Obviously a work in progress.
I think what compounds it is something you eluded to (which is gaslighting really). It's hard to switch your thinking. Your day is going along, you are speaking to people who just - speak normally, they aren't lying to you, might be a friend or family member, might be at work.
Next thing you know you have someone giving you a note to confess to drinking and giving you instructions on what to do if you feel threatened. It is never easy to jump from one to the other! Keep in mind though that you cannot apply "normal" reactions and "normal" logic to this, it just doesn't apply, it's not logical. I know you know this already, the question is, when he won't stick to your no-discussions while drunk policy, how can you handle it?
Well you have an agreement and while he might not stick to it, you certainly can. You can put a lock on your bedroom door for instance and leave. You can stay where you are and make non-committal answers (google grey rock) like 'uh-huh', 'that's interesting' or 'you might be right'.
Always remember the 3 c's - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Relationships that are healthy don't require drinking confessions in writing or safe words. It's easy to be sucked in to thinking that all of this is normal because it becomes your way of life.
It doesn't have to be. While he is unwilling at this time to seek help for this, that doesn't stop you from stepping away (temporarily or permanently).
You may want to start formulating a plan now. Alcoholism is progressive, this may be the best of times right now.