Very scary stuff.
I’m sure the big struggle for me is related to the issue of reason. I’m a very “thinking” person. I like to reason things out. I think rationally. So dealing with these things with him, where rational thought had no place, is confounding.
But he’s very good. He can sound rational when he’s turning it around on me. He can sound reasonable when he’s making demands or deflecting. It’s only later I can really see it for what it is.
The fact that I know he lies about some things makes me question everything — which leads to more insecurity and bad behavior on his part. Whether the alcohol is a physical or emotional crutch or both, I’m constantly on hyper-alert for signs that he’s been drinking or there’s some hidden. Any time he leaves the house (or I do), I feel anxious because chances are there will be an episode after.
He has cried and told me he has a problem before. But then days later he’ll go back to insisting there’s nothing wrong with it, it doesn’t affect him and he should be able to have a glass every now and then without having to hide it.