Hi,
This is one small piece you wrote "I’ve posted before about my AH (whom I suspect has an alcohol problem). He doesn’t get drunk every day - or often at all. He’s not violent. ... but he’s hidden wine in the house."
Making excuses for him is not wise. The idea to hide alcohol never crosses the mind of a normal drinker. To them - that'd be like hiding the aluminum foil.
Us alcoholics like to hide our alcohol for two reasons - so that we know where to find some when we want it and so that no one gets their grubby hands on it and moves it. That's it.
Active alcoholics cannot be reasoned with or be expected to behave or communicate logically. We are defensive, we lie, we sneak, some of us steal, and we're moody as hell. We are in a relationship with our drinking and alcohol. Everything and everyone else takes a back seat.
Sorry, but that's just how we are.
It looks to me like it's time to toss all the evidence out on the metaphorical table and shine the light on it. This is a serious issue that is not going to just dissolve and go away. It's most likely going to get worse. Us alcoholics don't go UPhill when we're drinking. We go downhill.