thank you all. I guess im thinking maybe he is clean most of the time and just doesnt care about me at all. He says he does but words are cheap. He makes himself sound all successful and busy now. Maybe it was just the occasional blow out, but I guess he certainly isnt in recovery and does not want to be. It really isnt anything to do with me anyway. I know I need to put the focus on myself.
When we were out of contact for a few months, I still found it very hard but was getting better. I contacted him as I was under the impression he was now clean, getting his own house, business etc. He said he was so happy to hear from me, and we have met a couple of times and it was nice.
But now its all started again. He said it was over when I confronted him about the drugs and how upset I was he would rather see friends than me. Then in the next breath he said he loved me but I need to sort my head out. I know I do but surely he knows his behaviour is whats hurting me. And doesnt care to change. I cant do anymore, I cant keep fighting it. Im trying to look after myself but I just feel very drained and ashamed of myself for falling for it all over again.