Realisation...
I think i have finally came to the realisation that I REALLY dont want to drink anymore...I had the loveliest time with my youngest nephew - 3 Months (quality time hasnt really happened due to covid - but it was adorable) this evening and afterwards I even forgot that I had drink that I had bought "especially for that night" that "last night of drinking" i knocked the bottled over at one point and i didnt even care if it had spilt etc...
I dont drink for fun anymore...I stop for a while and then it may seem fun again but that soon dwindles away and im only drinking to basically knock myself out.
A week or two ago my mum walked in on me after a heavy night of drinking - I was sitting up and slouched over passed out. She explained it as "something out of the ring" and that i "scared the sh*t out of her"... Drink werent mentioned but she clearly knew and I was beyond embarrassed. I've never been in that situation with her before and it just sickens me.
One of my anxieties during sobriety is i 98% of the time have visual and vocal hallucinations for the first few days atleast. These include my mum calling out for me or hearing shouting xyz...It does pass but of course at first it is super scary. That also being said...When I am sober I am so much aware of my families health and how i could be needed at any second and of course i want to be there both physically and mentally but it is also scary.
Im learning that either way if anything did happen I would have to deal with it and being drunk isn't the solution. I have tried for years to block things out with alcohol and until i sought therapy I thought it was the only way...My mind is so much clearer now after seeking help but alcohol just seems like that lingering battle that doesn't want to give up too easy. As I said, I dont even enjoy it anymore and tbh i just cba with sitting here drinking until I'm ready to pass out anymore. It doesn't serve a purpose in my life and I literally have no other reason apart from its easy.
I know that i just need to stick it out and after a few days I'll feel so much better and back to my old bubbly self.
I am such a positive person and I long for the thoughts and wants inside my head to come true but im also well aware that I have to put the effort in and make the change myself.
I wont hurt myself anymore
I wont hurt or worry my family
I will turn to SR daily
I will take gratitude in the wonderful things I have in my life
I will appreciate the small things
I will work on myself daily to be the person i want to be...
The start of a very long list but I do feel that mentally I am making a change and I am starting to feel differently. I couldnt physically or mentally manage another 26 years of this so there's only one option and thats to step up and find my next level.
Apologies for the essay but I am so grateful if you read this far 💜