I gave my now ex an ultimatum after 14 years together and multiple failed attempts at quitting on his own. The only reason the ultimatum worked was because he had gotten to the point himself that he felt he could no longer continue like that. He just needed a final kick in the butt to do seething about it. I gave him an ultimatum because I hit rock bottom and I was truly ready to actually leave him. That was the first time I had ever gotten to that point and I was ready to follow through on my threat.
Hé had mandatory inpatient rehab for 3 months (because of his job). Initially it was a month and we were shocked he had to go to rehab but he needed every minute of it, not to quit drinking per se because that is only a small part of addiction. He needed at least 6 weeks of intense inpatient rehab to realize his manipulative ways and what his add Igor had done to me and his family. It was really hard on us and it made things a lot worse between us. Probably also because I started counseling and learned to deal with my codependency issues and also learned about alcoholism.
We did end up getting divorced 2 years after rehab because for me irreversible damage had been done to our relationship. He is still clean 4 years later, he has had ( and still has to some degree I think) close monitoring because of his job. He isn’t a bad person but he was no longer someone I could be married to. Plus there is always the chance of relapse even many years later and I really didn’t want to deal with that. Had our relationship not been so damaged I probably could have. But it was just too far gone.
Your ex doesn’t sound like hé went to rehab out of his own free will and doesn’t sound like he is ready to quit for himself. So chances are very good he will relapse before too long. Recovery is hard and the addict has to really want it to have a chance at being successful. 6 weeks in rehab is nothing, it is only the tip of the iceberg. It is a start but they have to continue to do lots of meeting and counseling etc. It is a very selfish process that is 100% on the add it. No one can help with this. It takes at least a year to get a good idea if it will stick and to see if the person has changed. Because if they don’t change (their coping skills mainly) they won’t stay clean. My ex quit for 13 months but was a dry drink and it was just as miserable as when he drank. You can have the best and most expensive rehab but it won’t do any good if the addict doesn’t want recovery. When my ex was in rehab after a month they got more privileges including leaving the campus for a couple of hours on the weekend. Some of the people celebrated that by goi g to a bar....
I am a medical provider and I can tell you that I knew very little about addiction and alcoholism until 4 years ago. We basically tell people they need to stop drinking and go to AA or rehab. Unless you have lived it or have actually had special training in addiction most people really don’t understand addiction. It was a huge learning curve but it actually has helped me be a better provider considering the number of addicts I deal with. I can’t always talk them into recovery but at least I can counsel them on addiction much better now. So I guess that’s a positive thing that came out of that (as well as really working on my codependency issues and therefore improving myself as well)
if you can find Pleasure Unwoven it is a really good documentary on alcoholism that they showed us in rehab during family week (btw did you have that option during rehab?). It explains it really well. I would also consider counseling for you and for the kids with someone who knows addictions. Kids should also know what is going on (if they don’t already) because they will make up their own reality otherwise which is often scarier than the actual truth. My kid was 6 when my ex went to rehab (and no one knew he was an alcoholic, we covered it up well). Shortly before turning 7 she went to the Betty Ford program for kids and it was really good. She met other kids who had alcoholic parents and learned all about addiction in a kid friendly way. We don’t talk about it so much anymore but I made sure to talk about things a lot when we were in the thick of it and to be honest at an age appropriate level. I know those programs are only available in CO, TX and CA I think but if you are anywhere near them I highly recommend it if your kids are between 7-12 (they have to be able to read and write so really first grade, my kid was at the end of 1st grade but was still 6 so could go).
and don’t give into your boundaries, you do it once he will take advantage again. Up to him to make sure everything is in place for the monitoring and if not he won’t see his kids.
good luck with everything!