Originally Posted by HURTINGDINA

First off, I do not want to profess our marriage was perfect before this-far from it.
Lots of arguing-his blaming me for his drinking, spending money on beer and cigs, instead of saving. Picking fights with me as an excuse to drink or leave. Nothing I did was good enough, I got older and fat, lazy (I work full time while he has winters off because of his job) the insults were demeaning and mean-spirited.
Now for me- I was either crying, monitoring his drinking, praying, nagging, defending him to family/friends, being the buffer of his abusive behavior between him and children, avoiding his family functions or being standoffish because they all drink excessively and lie or avoiding my family/friends functions because I had to explain his absence, worry about what he would say or do, or just be too beaten down and afraid people would notice.
We are a church going family-or should I say we were. Married 20 years and together 26 with two children.
I have lit countless candles, my family and children have said hundreds of prayers for his sobriety. Told him we could no longer live life this unless he got sober.
He got sober, been going to AA for 6.5 months, yoga, meditation. Then he started going to more meetings, staying longer and longer than the meetings called for. Started going out to dinner with his AA buddies. Texting all the time. Was home less and less, and when he was home he was on computer with headphones on listening to music and watching videos. He told me I was his drinking trigger and blamed me for making him want to drink.
Started sleeping on the couch, making excuses , you got the ugly picture.
He has a girlfriend (just said friend-eye-roll) and moved out when I was at work. Talk about blow to the gut. He said his sponsor said he was making a mistake, not to make a major decision for 1 year. He felt he had no choice and had to do it anyway to be healthy and he could no longer be happy with me.
Here is the major dysfunction...I want him back!
I feel the kids and I have put up with his alcoholism for so long and now that he is sober, we finally have a chance at a happy, healthy home. 26 years together, I feel like my heart is ripped out and have been having chest pains, I have crying jags, depression, feeling of low self worth. I'm 56 and feel so unloved and unattractive.
It has been about 3 weeks since he cowardly left.
Some pro-active things... I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants.I went to about 8 Alanon Mtgs. (don't feel much connection there yet) I joined the gym (but feel so awkward there as well) a tubby middle-aged woman who doesn't belong among all those young and fit people.
I work with our/my friends (who are all married-30+ yrs). It is so painful and awkward to go to work and be among them. I feel lost and that I don''t belong anywhere.
I feel betrayed, angry, scared about future/finances/children. I'm lonely. I feel he sees the kids 1 or 2 times a wk for lunch or dinner, but then goes back to his place, leaving me with the daily grind of raising the kids and responsibilities. Everything here reminds me of our 26 years together. His place is sterile of memories and may even contain some of that home-wrecking ho's stuff. She mentioned me and the kids, so she knew he was married'
How can you be with someone for 26 years and honor your vows and not feel destroyed when they leave you? I got married because I loved/love him. I stayed with him because I love him and knew he would be a better man/father without the alcohol. Why now, after all these years when he does get sober feel no problem casting me aside?
Co-dependence, love, stupidity? I sound so pathetic, because I am.
Help!