I drank with my husband in the early days together, and it was a way we bonded and had fun. But gradually, I became less fun and more angry. I was caregiving my alcoholic mother, and felt justified in my own drinking because of that--and other things like working all the time too, etc. so had a big martyr complex so I ignored at first the worsening behavior I had.
Gradually though, I came to acknowledge the harm I was doing because I had lived through it myself as a child, and I saw myself becoming like my angry drunk mother when I drank. So I felt terrible when I acted out or blacked out, but still wasn't ready to quit for years for good and by then my spouse had developed his own alcohol problem that was growing but less severe than mine.
My spouse said to me one morning he couldn't keep going like we were, and I was beginning to see some erosion in my work performance as well, and I knew the game was up and I had to quit alcohol or lose everything. I wanted my family and I loved being good at my job, so I quit cold turkey about 8 years ago.
I wish I could say it stuck for good, but I had some brief relapses a few times when I stupidly thought I had it licked and could moderate "just a few". Don't buy that line if she tries it. People who drink like we do don't sip, they drink to get loaded, and can never moderate again. I finally learned that lesson and my marriage in some ways is stronger than ever, but now I find myself very upset when my spouse drinks.
His drinking makes him depressed and dark, and I feel bad that his problem developed in part under my bad influence and the stress I put on both of us caring for my alcoholic mother and not dealing with my own alcohol abuse much sooner.
I believe we will work it through, but talk about Karma--I have been getting a big dose of my own medicine for a number of years now, so the final answer to your question is yes, now I have not only sympathy, but true empathy for how living with an alcoholic partner really feels.
I don't know if I would have quit, or quit in time, however, if he hadn't told me he was done and walking out if I didn't stop, and I knew he wasn't bluffing. That was the decider for me, though in my heart I knew I was destroying myself so I think it worked because I also wanted it for me.
In truth, it doesn't always work out unless the drinker wants to quit for themselves as well, and it will not be successful unless they truly do. Sometimes losing their family at least for a time brings that realization. Sometimes they just keep drinking anyway.
