Originally Posted by Hawkeye13

I think for me I had to accept the level of enmeshment / enabling I was doing (and sometimes still do if I am honest) which allowed the dynamic to continue and get worse. That book helped me see how vested I was in not losing the "control" I thought I had in the family dynamic--that I was just doing my part of the dance, and not fixing anything except managing things so my spouse could keep drinking

I was also one of those damaged kids dandylion mentioned in earlier posts--I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it caused quite a bit of harm to me as child and even now as a 55 year old adult. I grew up thinking this kind of dysfunction was a "normal" behavior of adult couples and that it was my "job" to take care of my parent and later on my own alcoholic relationships. That's where I learned my own enabling behavior and why it is so potentially harmful for kids to grow up in. We (re)create what we learn / know. Sad but true in my case and many many others as well. Too often, children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves (again, that was me) because that's what we learn adults do to manage pain / have fun / deal with uncomfortable feelings / etc.

Alcoholism is progressive. It just gets worse, not better. Your own records are no doubt showing you this. She will drink more, more often, hide it more, and her "functionality" will erode first at home (as is already happening but can be hidden with family support) but soon enough in the workplace. It's a rotten pattern, and everybody in the family loses, but she will do it as long as she can get by with you keeping status quo. How much do you do around the house now compared to her these days compared to a few years ago? You are the responsible parent, and that means the burden will keep falling heavier and heavier on you.

Not fair, not right, but how addiction works. She can choose to quit, but will she if you keep letting her drink without real consequences?
You cannot control her drinking, but you can control what you will live with, and what you will allow your kids to live with.

I know when I still drank, it took a real threat of losing my family to get me to straighten up and quit. Didn't work with my mother, however, who drank until she literally couldn't life a drink to her lips any longer.