NicLin

Hi My SR Family,

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe and healthy.

So I did it. I opened myself up to a relationship after refraining from dating anyone for one year. I wanted to give myself time and in my 11th month, I met someone. He was and is wonderful. I was more vulnerable and open and honest with him than I have been with anyone before. We connected quickly and deeply but as fast as we jumped in, we started to get burned.

Things were moving, for lack of a better term, alcoholically. We felt things fast, spent a lot of time together and even muttered those three terrifying words within the two months we were together. We jumped into the labeled "relationship" and started having hard conversations. I did not want any of this, but I figured it was the trajectory that was naturally (ha.) taking place and honestly, I loved the intensity. I am an extremist and most definitely an alcoholic, so of course I did.

As things progressed, I started to pull back and put walls up. I hurt him and he hurt me and we finally decided that I was too closed off emotionally (my admission) and he was too selfish (his). We hugged and he walked away and walked out of my life. And it hurts so much.

I would have thought that at this point in my sobriety, a year in, I might have a better understanding and handle on this aspect. But I still don't. And I am not ready. This makes me really really sad. I want to be able to love someone, to care about someone and invest my time and energy into someone. But I don't love myself. I have a lot of work to do.

So I'll keep my recovery program strong, try not isolate from people and try my best to understand that I put myself out there and that it was brave to do it.

Pain is growth and I will see that soon enough.

Thanks for letting me vent and I love you all.

Nic.