Eppi

Hi all.

I’m in very early recovery, and was googling around trying to find a substance abuse recovery forum, and I stumbled upon you guys. This seems like a kind, supportive place, so I figured I’d give it a try.

A little about me: I’ve struggled with heroin addiction for 10 years. In 2015, I finally got clean and accumulated 5 years of time off dope. However, during this time, I developed a pretty serious problem with Xanax. Funny how that happens, right?

So, fast forward to May of this year. The pandemic hit, the world got cancelled, and I got a stimulus check. I started having extremely vivid and graphic drug dreams involving dope. Even so, at this point I felt free from the temptation to use heroin, it definitely came into my thoughts from time to time, but it was no longer an option in my mind.

However...a very dear friend of mine who is also in recovery from heroin got his stimulus check around the same time I did. He came by to visit, I mentioned the intensity of the dreams I was having, he admitted he had been having a jones lately, and then he announced “**** it, let’s get a bag!” And started making phone calls. Although I felt terribly anxious and sick to my stomach, knowing full well what an awful choice this was to make, I didn’t protest. I sort of just allowed him to take control of the situation in a way that wasn’t really governed by conscious thought. I just let go of the wheel.

Needless to say, I went on a 2 month run, detoxed for a week, and then re-inducted myself onto subutex. I got about 8 days clean and relapsed again. Went out for another 10 days, and have been clean again for 4 days today. Still feeling a little sick, but not nearly as bad as the hell of my recent kick. I feel lucky that I didn’t lose everything I have (just accrued some debt naturally.) I didn’t get arrested, evicted, or OD. The main negative consequence of my stupid relapse is that I lit all those old neural pathways up, and now I crave heroin again. It feels like an option again. It’s really frightening, and I feel very vulnerable, and like I could lose my feeble hold on the stability I’ve tried to carve out in a second.

My need for extra support is what led me here. I have a therapist I work with regularly, and I’ve been attending virtual NA meetings pretty frequently. I do have a sponsor, but she’s very hands off and I haven’t spoken with her in weeks.

It would be nice to get some encouragement and feedback from people who understand what I’m going through, and I’d be happy to extend that support in return. Sorry for the long post. I hope you all are well.

-Eppi.