Self Pity
I was reading a post that Laura3 made earlier today. She mentioned something that I can certainly empathize with and that's a lack of a passion or purpose. I think she also mentioned hobbies. But it got me thinking and I was/am very much in the same boat...even before drinking. I think my saving grace in most of my younger years was sports and playing those. Today I try to keep active and exercise, even if I'm a shadow of my old athletic self and everything hurts in the morning! Regardless, I have consistently struggled with why I'm here and what I was supposed to do. Maybe it's my alcoholic narcissism, but I always thought I was destined for greatness. Statistics are always the true humbler and I realize only a small % achieve greatness...whatever that is.
My other issue is that I was adopted as a 6 year old. Growing up I had two things driving me. 1. That I was "special" because I had a second chance which obviously meant I was to be great. 2. That I needed to be great in order to prove to my adopted family that I was "worth it". Neither of those mindsets are really healthy.
As I got older and had kids I thought more about God's plan. I've discussed this with my wife before but have been battling this notion that maybe I was a pawn, or a strategic move. I had to be adopted so I could meet my wife and our kids could be born. Maybe that was my purpose and now that it's fulfilled I merely have to make sure I don't screw them up and then fade off into the sunset.
This isn't really healthy either. Plus if I layer that on top of my 2 mindsets growing up that I listed...it's a recipe for drinking disaster. Maybe it's how I've wound up battling the bottle over the past 10 years or so. Self pity is typically not my style, but just wanted to share some of the feelings that have been ever present in the back of my mind. Not sure how to get rid of them. Maybe it's like AV and I just have to acknowledge when I'm feeling/thinking them and work my way out.
I read somewhere once that wanting more isn't always bad. But sometimes I just wish I could be content.