Hope2019

My ex-love was ALSO into the rave/concert scene and also into being around DJs or whatever. I thought that was a past-time but as soon as he broke up with me, he went right back into the rave/concert scene. I'm sure he wants to distract his own pain. I didn't want to assume people who go to raves.concerts all did drugs... isn't that stereotyping?

I feel the same, I have rationalized that he is not a terrible guy. He is not in a healthy relationship with himself anyway so it was never about me. But how can we not take it personally when we were there loving and being kind, trying to help and be present, all the while being forgiving. I was in a relationship 'alone' with a shell of a man. It changed so drastically, I thought it was my fault. That I was naggy, clingy, controlling... I just wanted to know when we could spend time together--gosh, everything was on his timeline and I was the one working 2-3 jobs, finishing up my master's, volunteering, preparing my application to medical school and going to the gym! I have never been around anyone who did drugs and I wouldn't know what behaviors were drug-based. It's was all a mystery to me.... now I'm a bit more educated and maybe I have been around drug addicts but never knew? I didn't hang out with people like that due to the drama and violence-prone environment.

I thought it was all my fault as well.. what was I doing that he rather spend so much time for his friends (more and more kept appearing out of nowhere,we've been together for years, and I didn't know any of these people but I rationalized it saying he was a friendly guy who always wanted to help people) instead of us?. I was in denial because why would I choose someone who treated me like a piece of s***? He wasn't like this before! I don't know how everything changed so drastically...

Don't guilt-trip or as least for not as long as I have it's been almost a year and after some self-reflection, I understand now that the very same characteristics I was raised and prided myself on (e.g. my social worker personality of being open-minded, wanting to help, and trying to be compassionate) just fueled a co-dependent behavior within the relationship. I'm still trying to understand how co-dependency can work in a relationship---what are the boundaries of when to not bother or when to back-off? At what point do you stop helping someone and let him or her surrender into the bed they made for themselves???

You were falling deeply in love or at least you really started to have strong feelings and cared for him and you wanted to build a future... please breathe and know we're here for you. I understand your pain, it's a betrayal that you just have to accept. Maybe you see glimpses of an amazing man, but he needs to get his priorities straight if he ever wants to settle down.

Being in love with an addict.... means having a relationship by a parasite but most often, you're in a relationship alone. He's there but he doesn't have enough room for you, to meet your needs, and to nourish and be present like a partner needs to be. It really is easy to say 'self-care' yourself and actually doing it, especially when you're in the deep emotions of heartache. Heal in your own way, try not to let it take over your self-worth. That's what it did to me...

(hugs)

Even if my ex were to change and be drug-free, I'm a bit hesitant to start a family with someone who may relapse or have children more prone to addiction as well. But it's a mixed bag of nuts...