Quitting for good.
Hi all, I have had other accounts on here before and am a frequent lurker, so I know some of your stories and 'faces'. I am a 33 year old married stay at home mother. Been drinking on and off now for 10 years.depression and anxiety. I would always deny it but eventually it reached a point where I had enough and I sought help but I am still giving in to the AV after periods of sobriety. I was on day 30 now its day 1. My brain sort of whitewashes over everything thats gone down when Ive drank before I tell myself it wasnt so bad..I wont drink that much... I can control it etc. Now I am shaking and in bed. Fried brain. That horrible sense of deep remorse...you all know what I'm talking about. I made a fool of myself again yesterday. I threw up in front of my kids. My two kids are healthy, kind, funny and pretty much everything you would want in a kid they are just precious kids and I keep hurting them. Ive been honest with my eldest she knows I have a drink problem. My husband is lovely and has supported me but drink one more time and Its game over. I stand to lose everything. I have worked on my sobriety but I need to add more tools to the recovery box. The doctor has prescribed me cymbalta which has been life changing for me in terms of how its helped me think more positively, it's even suppressed cravings completely but me being completely idiotic stopped taking it properly and dove back in the bottle. I live next to a country park and I walk a lot which I do find very healing for the soul. I've tried counselling but I find it hard to talk theres no one specific traumatic event its like a general depression...but I know I have to let all these old demons go and just open myself up a little more to people. I think the root of my issues is probably not loving myself very much and I just sabotage any happiness I could have for myself and when I'm sober I have a very happy lovely life. Im a brilliant mum when sober. I dont like the person...the AV in my head.. I will lie and manipulate my husband to get my hands on more drink and hes done his best but he just cant take anymore the stress is killing him. It must stop now. He cant trust me. I'm a sensitive soul and dont have many friends. I push people away and pretend to be ok. I'm very proud which doesnt help me in reaching out to people. Not much to feel proud of right now. What scared me last night is I had suicidal thoughts.But I will never do that to them. I still have so much to give. I still see hope for myself at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to try and post here if I can. Thanks for reading this.. any kind words would be great right now and any harsh ones will be taken in my stride too and any advice tips support for recovery tools will be gratefully taken on board.