tap, so much you write is so much like what one if my friends talks about when he tells me about meditating. the construction of self. the real. or not. the structure of thinking. the not being the thoughts.
he has meditated for years, with various teachers. serious about it.
makes me wonder if a more structured approach like that might be helpful to you? seems to me you are doing all that already but maybe that kind of guidance could be useful?