Welcome back. Don't worry about changing your name etc that is just your own pride talking. I know that I for one don't think oh wow look at how long he has been trying what a loser! I think bloody hell thank God you are here and stil trying!!
Alcoholism is a horrible illness. It is a progressive illness. And it is a killer illness.
When I got sober just over 2 years ago I had to completey surrender. There will never be "normal" drinking for me. Once I put that first drink in my body I set off a craving so strong I cannot stop drinking. I just have to stay away from one little drink one day at a time and I do that by coming here and going to AA. I pray, I work the steps, I go to meetings, I talk to other alcoholics, I try to help others because getting out of self is one of the best things an alcoholic can do to help themselves I practice gratitude on a daily basis. I tried for years to get sober, alcohol had such a grip on me. Finally 2 years ago I went on a 10 day alcohol and xanax binge that nearly killed me. I threw in the towel. Alcohol was not my friend. It was out to kill me but it would settle for me drunk.
I am sorry to hear about your parents but drinking alcohol isn't going to make your mums cancer go away or help you to deal with it. Quite the opposite. 13 years ago my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was in the madness then and I wasn't there for her like I should have been. This month we discovered that it has returned and metasized to her bone and lung. It is incurable but it is treatable. I am devastated but THANK GOD I am sober today so that I can be there for her as a sober and present daughter. Yesterday afternoon, my daughter was at her dad's and I was alone and I've tried not to cry in front of my daughter and I got into bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed my heart out. Did a thought of a drink cross my mind? If I am honest.. yes. But it is not an option for me today and I can easily tell those thoughts to eff off and take it up with my Higher Power as there is nothing that bad that a drink will make better.
You can do this. If I can you can. These next few days are going to be rough and as I am sure you know yourself there is no way round them you just have to get through them but the good news is that you never have to feel this way again.
Stay close, get your head on the pillow sober tonight.
❤🙏❤