Encourage or to leave alone?
I had been dating a guy for months who told me when our relationship was new that he had been sober for over a decade. Fast forward a couple of months, come to find out, he had relapsed and was using cocaine on a daily basis coupled with alcohol for the past year! Lie(s), first red flag.
He admitted that once our dates would end, he stay up all night on a bender and when I didn't hear from him the next day it was because he was ill and hungover. Honestly, I thought he was giving me space, I'm incredibly naive.
Once I knew about his relapse, he seemed to be very honest with me about his past and present. I remained positive, gave him space and encouraged inpatient rehab. One day he called me early morning and said he was on his way to inpatient rehab and we talked about thirty minutes. He told me how much I meant to him and how I had made a difference in his life and was one of the reasons he decided on rehab. We agreed that I wouldn't visit nor would he call me. We thought it was best for him to focus on himself and not deal with the stress of a fairly new relationship.
Nearly two weeks later, he phones me and he is out of rehab. He told me at the time he didn't stay the entire month because of insurance purposes, but I later found out he checked himself out. He told me that although he adored me, he couldn't date me because he had a long road ahead of him in terms of recovery, but he'd still like to talk some. I respected his boundaries and did not phone or text him. The next day the world had to isolate with Covid and all AA meetings were shut down, so I worried about how this would affect his recovery.
Two weeks went by and I finally sent him a text message: it read " I hope recovery is going well and you're healing." He never responded. The next day he called me and told me that he was not doing well, had been using since the day he left rehab and was on his way back to inpatient. Same facility, but different program. When I asked why he thought this time would be different, he told me he was slowly dying. He is NOT in denial about his addiction, but doesn't like to talk about it particularly.
A month goes by and I hear he is out (we have mutual friends). An additional three weeks after release go by and I finally call him. He answered, sounded decent and was pretty kind. he thanked me for supporting him and apologized for all that I had witnessed during the last month we dated. I asked him how sobriety was going and he told me he had used a "couple" of times. We didn't talk about us and we hung up nicely and agreed to talk soon. I have not heard back from him.
In the past five weeks I have sent him multiple encouraging texts (Ex: I hope you're well. Sending you love, light and healing vibes.) The texts don't warrant a response, but you'd think he'd respond out of kindness (he's consistently been kind). I've never been ignored so it's been a struggle, but I try to keep in mind that he must be dealing with a lot. It's not about me. I've done much reading and research. If, if being the operative word, he is living clean since his second stint in rehab, he could not be well after years of hardcore drug abuse. I imagine everyday is a beast.
I don't have social media, but friends have shown me pictures of him out and about, on vacation and he looks happy. I feel like I'm the only person he has written off, but we don't have history like he does with his friends. A week ago I finally got a text from him at one am that said "I'm coo coo." In my gut, I feel like he is using again. It isnt like him to text me that late unless he is up snorting his paycheck.
Everything I read says to be honest, set boundaries, but encourage the addict you love.
I guess I'm asking, should I even take the time to send encouraging texts? Clearly we aren't dating anymore, but I love him. I would try to support anyone in my life who I loved going through hard times. The last time I saw him before his first rehab experience, he was so very sick. Could barely function, walk or get himself in the bed. The last time I saw him, I put him to bed with water, wet cloth on his head, etc. It was horrible, so naturally i'm worried. He checked into rehab the first time one day after we last saw each other. But I have not seen him, nor has he made an attempt to see me since that night, four month ago (1.5 months of that in rehab). I get it, no response is a response and it's obvious he doesn't want to see me.
Not sure I understand what happened. The two of us never fussed or argued. It wasn't a tumultuous relationship, but a caring relationship. He was a gentleman unless he was really hungover and even then he wasn't mean, just distant. In my mind, he'd come out of rehab the second time around and we would be friends. I would support him because all of his friends are users and recovering (I've never used).
I feel like I know what I need to do, but it's hard. And it's made harder because i have no idea what happened. Did my encouraging texts push him to the edge of disgust with me?