Dramarama

Hi everyone,



Well, it’s hard to know where to start. I’ve been with my wife for over twelve years, married nine. We have two kids, ages six and two. She has always been inclined to drink to deal with a number of issues. She of course would never want to label it as “alcoholism” or “addiction”— she’s terrified of the label and the perceptions people have. She’d rather deal with the anxieties that cause it without tackling the elephant in the room. Of course, there’s always an anxiety. Triggers are everywhere. Generally, though, she goes about a month or so between episodes of binging, and can generally cope in between.



Then disaster: our youngest was diagnosed with a rare cancer. It happened a year ago. I can go on about the impact of the diagnosis and the challenges we have faced as a result. I can also go on about the good things, and how resilient she has proven herself to be. She stayed with our youngest through months of inpatient high dose chemotherapy. Sufficed to say, the experience of having a critically ill child is enough to impart a parent with PTSD. When one parent already suffers from addiction issues, the situation becomes even more volatile.



Our youngest is doing well right now. She’s still on maintenance chemo, and getting monthly outpatient treatment. Her hair has started to grow back, so there is cause for optimism.



Meanwhile, COVID 19 isolation has taken its toll. We were mostly working from home and had decided that my mom didn’t need to stay with us during the work week anymore, and she shifted to staying with us every other week. On one of my mom’s weeks off four weeks ago, I left my wife with the kids went into work for half a day. When I called her from work at around noon, she just seemed “off”, and I could hear our youngest crying in the background. I rushed home to find her falling over drunk. I rushed her upstairs and put her to bed and took care of the girls. Our oldest (she’s six) seemed unaffected as she was downstairs watching her shows, and I managed to calm our youngest down, who was obviously very concerned for her mom. It’s really important to me that the girls not see their mother in this condition, so I go to great lengths to spare them the sight of their mother drunk.



This was the first time I felt that my kids were unsafe around her. I had always known her to be a selfless individual, and that she would never do anything to endanger our children, but something has clearly changed. The dark feelings — when they come — have become too overwhelming for her.



I find myself feeling stupid, guilty, and trapped by the situation. Can we (the girls and I) leave her? Given what has happened, do I really have a choice?



More recently, we have also sadly received word that another girl whose family we met during treatment has passed away. She was the same age as our youngest, with the same diagnosis. The ripple effects of this are being felt. While we initially both were okay, it’s clear we’re not. Some days my wife tells me that she is convinced that our little girl is going to die. She may be right. I don’t believe any parent can properly prepare themselves for that possibility, but a parent with an addiction is even more ill prepared.



I think that’s all I have to share at this time.