wood, I don't mean to say nothing is possible- but you will never get back what you thought you had. It might be you two can have something new- or not. I know addicts & alcoholics in recovery who have stable and loving relationships, sometimes with new spouses sometimes not. But in all cases the dynamic is different. A relationship in recovery is very different than one the one in addiction. One thing thats for sure, holding on to what you used to have, grasping at those tidbits of what used to be, only serves to facilitate you being manipulated- and frankly, holds you in codependency.
Its been about 10 years since things got bad between my wife and I probably most of that included her drinking alcoholically (along with benzo abuse), and 6 since I got into recovery. A lot of my 5th step involved the marriage, and my relationship habits in general. I know we had good times, but things are different now. She is and and has been depressed for years, no apparent interest in spiritual development, emotional recovery or much in the way of self-care but thats her business. The intimacy both physical and emotional that I remember from years ago is effectively gone- we are cordial, respectful, civil and do the mechanics of marriage. That sounds kind of sterile, and it is in a number of ways- but it is a whole heck of a lot better than 7yrs ago when our life together was a disaster of fighting and conflict and upset.
A significant part of recovery for me is letting go of the relationship expectations and preferences, and focus on love as service (which I started learning from the AA 12-and-12) instead of gratification. We have a daughter in play, my goal is to show her an imperfect but working marriage. My mother is a binging alcohol abuser, her father committed alcoholism related suicide. I wish to do better. If I have any choice in the matter I will not be involved with active addiction nor will I let our daughter be stuck in it. My boundary is that if my wife went back to drinking and the bad stuff, that I file for divorce, right there, right then- no going back, no 2nd chances- over except for the negotiations. In a relationship with an addict, what real 2nd chance is there instead of more of the same old stuff just with new promises broken just as quickly as the last ones? The Big Reveal we had 6yrs ago was enough, Alanon shows me I do not have to go back into that darkness.