Hi Lines,
Thank you so much for your insight. He is definitely depressed and has told me he is upset with himself. Some of it might be "regular" mid-life crisis stuff, but obviously he is ashamed of some of what he's done, at least he has shared that he feels he wasted his life and career and destroyed relationships and it seems clear he hasn't shared everything with me... except when he was completely unravelling from addiction and could do it in the form of fantasy talk of sorts.
Until about 6 months before treatment I never thought any of this stuff I am worried about now could be true. I loved him and thought he loved me. Even though we had issues with his mood swings and inability to balance responsibilities and a lack of job commitment, he was always loving to me. I thought it was all bipolar stuff, and went to some support groups.
Then he started really going downhill, and also was obviously drinking too much and sharing with me these stories that he said were a parallel life, kind of "what-would-happen-in-a-scenario-where..." involving other drugs, sexual experiences, etc. Some of it seemed like it was missing puzzle pieces, explaining why certain people in our lives interacted how they did with him. Some of it was pretty dark or fatalistic. He probably doesn't remember everything he said, but I do.
Some of it seemed very truthful about drug use in his youth for example, because the new "fantasy" parts of his story tied into things I knew to be true. So when he said he had been doing coke and hanging out at go-go bars every night before we met... I realized those things probably didn't just go away when he got married. He said he "just stopped" doing cocaine... I questioned that. When he talked about getting lap dances at a go-go bar when he was away on business, which I did not want to hear, but I thought it was probably true because he seemed to be authentic when he shared it.
But I don't know what was true, what was bipolar psychosis, what was alcohol or drug-fueled. He would say things, and then his mood would shift and he would say "you know this is all fake, right?". The conversations weaved between current normal conversation, reminiscing about high school and childhood, talking about what-if scenarios, and pure fantasy. At the time he was drinking a lot that I saw, and was also secretly drinking and he seemed to be clearly in a manic bipolar phase. It was impossible to know what was true.
I would think I'm going to divorce him, and then think this is "just" a manic episode, and then think he needs help, and also that he was going to die. He talked a lot about death, being afraid of people coming to kill him. Suddenly he had knives everywhere, and tools like heavy wrenches laid out for defense, and baseball bats behind doors. All this was new. He would talk about everything ending in disaster, or violence, and how I should marry someone new. He told me to watch for who was following me in the car, that there are bad people everywhere. He talked about how someone could kill me because I am an easy target. And he also asked me to marry him again, would cry if I left the room. It was crazy. It was bipolar. I wondered if any of it or all of it was true. I was desperate for him to get help. But he kept drinking. And I did not even know how much he was drinking by himself. But I started to worry if he was mixed up in stuff I didn't know about or just losing his mind.
Around that time I started wondering if he was doing meth or crack because of things he said and because his story on different days would loop back to the same "fantasy scenarios"... and researched enough to find out that there are people who balance a hidden meth habit for years and not everyone looks like someone you typically consider a meth addict. He did however, lose a ton of weight, have dental issues and a bunch of cuts and scabs on his legs that he said were from work. But I remember one long deep cut and he said he didn't know where it came from and wondered if he was in a fight or if this is related to drugs. He said he fell, but it was a long clean cut. How would you not know? His leg scabs were long and I started wondering if that is how you shoot up. I found other cell phones and sim cards he said were the kids.
During conversations when I asked about drug use, he would reveal-deny-challenge-confess-distract and challenge me by asking me things like "how do you think I would use meth?" (snorting it, smoking it, whatever) and I didn't even know the different ways you could use meth. I found some stuff that seemed like paraphernalia, but he has lots of tools and odd things from a glass tube I found and bent-up beer cans with liquid, and some kind of map gas, but he always had a reason for this stuff. I would also think I was making myself crazy over nothing. Well, not nothing. Certainly mental illness going on. And alcohol.
All these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.But these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.
I do think it would be awesome if he would eventually share with me what has happened to him, good, bad, and ugly. Then I could make choices from a place of truth. I truly love him and hate that he is in a situation where his life has been altered by these diseases, and I am proud of him for fighting for a new way. And I started this post because if he is really hiding other drug or sexual addictions or childhood trauma, then I think he needs very specialized help. I did suggest he see a trauma therapist.
I know this all seems like too much... and believe me, I am skipping whole chapters of issues. Maybe everyone who is alcoholic has these problems or ones like them. Maybe it all caught up with him and he has a wet-brain like they said could happen in an ER trip just before rehab.
I am so glad he is not drinking, but we are barely out of the gate on recovery. Thank you for talking to me.