I cannot seem to stop myself from trying to communicate. This morning he got up, went to the basement for a while, then came to me and said "Do you want coffee?', made the coffee and sat down. So I said I want to talk to you. "I know you are going through a lot, and congratulations on 89 days. Following up on yesterday, I don't know how to move forward if you won't communicate. I know your sobriety is the most important thing, but (and then I condensed a lot of what he has said in the last few days -although he sometimes backtracked on them): If you don't like me, don't love me, don't find me attractive, don't want to be close to me or work on the relationship, don't want to communicate about emotions or even the kids or the finances or things that responsible grown-ups talk about, and be accountable for what you say and do and don't say or don't do -- how can things get better?" (I know, too much.) He said, "I don't want to argue." I said, "It's not an argument, it's a conversation: I'm acknowledging things you say and do. If you want to correct something, you can. I only know what you tell me. And the only thing you ever tell me is that this is how you are and my only option is to divorce you."
Somehow in the middle of this I mentioned that someone told me he isn't working Step 4 if he doesn't have a sponsor. He blew up! "I never told you I was working Step 4! I never said I was doing AA. There's lost of other approaches, SMART Recovery, other non-AA ways. I'm working my own program. Now you're throwing it at me that this will lead to relapse when you should be supporting me! This led to more confusing conversation where I reminded him of 3 days ago telling me he got Step 1, 2, and 3 and now is working Step 4, which could take "4 years and three hours" (I guess people think about Step 4 for years but it really only takes 3 hours to write it down and pass that step). I was like, ok you're not doing AA. He reiterated he is doing his own program, and checking in once a week as an outpatient, cherry-picking from AA the good parts, and how dare I challenge his system if it's working!? (*mind blown* This is working?)
More from me on I only know what you told me and him being defensive/aggressive about me "ratting him out" to my people who don't know him and if I give him the numbers he'll call my people and tell them what he's doing. Ugh. Then he said he's going outside for a "fake meeting" -- funny term for him to use: I could take that 2 ways (either he is being facetious and trying to give me a dig for supposedly questioning his cherry-picking approach as his last comment was "maybe I'm using AA like a lamppost for support and not enlightenment!" or that it is fake and he is just using it as a reason to get away. Probably both.
So why am I still with him? I love him. I love the him he was and the him I want him to be, and the him that sometimes flickers through. He is funny, smart, creative, engaging and intermittently kind to me. I want to support him and stand by him. I want us to come through this together. Why does he ask me to give him time and be patient and then act like this is all he has to give (nothing). Is he just struggling in early recovery, bombarded by emotions and a physically-impacted body mind and soul? Will he come around? I want to shake him and wake him up!