Well, it has been very confusing and painful. He has been attending AA, but also smoking some pot (not a good idea I think, but he said it was "marjuana maintenance". Early on (less so now) would disappear into the basement bathroom, and I would hear coughing and wonder what drug makes you cough that isn't pot? He would be distant, irritable and then sometimes warmer, asking me to watch tv with him (but not sit together on the couch). He did hardly anything for the first month he was home, just slept on the couch and watched tv. He has been doing some stuff now, occasional small painting tasks, a little laundry. Not much else, and then the next day just back to sleeping on the couch, says he's tired, doesn't feel well. He's been intermittently unwell with headaches, body aches, chills, fever --had a fever last night but was better today. I worry it could be Covid-19 but he won't get tested and says it's side effects from his medication.
He was in rehab 15 years ago and he wrote to me, and was desperate to make things right when he came home. So I expected him to come home, and with love and support we'd start new. Not this time. When he came home he said he does not want to be touched or have sex and said "we're not like that" anymore. This is new, very painful to hear, because although there have been times in the past 25 years that he did not want sex, he never really put it out there like that: "I'm not interested". Unsurprisingly, he also does not want to communicate much. He gets withdrawn or actually leaves the room if I try to talk to him; and he sleeps in a tight ball and pushes me away if I lean up against him in bed. I understand not wanting sex; I don't understand withholding all affection. Then he says it is the recovery and "Time takes Time" and he does sometimes say that he loves me and is committed (but he only says this after I am talking to him at length about feeling so confused and rejected by a lack of affection) and maybe he is just trying to get me to shut up. Regardless, he says he feels nothing and is not sure he is capable of a relationship and that he isn't interested in being in love, he's trying not to drink.
So I don't know if the loss of interest in sex is the side effects of medication, or if he doesn't want to be close because to really be close he would have to be honest about all the **** he did to me... secrets, maybe other drugs, maybe other women/men, maybe financial things. IDK, these are all things he talked about in the months when he was really a mess prior to this rehab. He said they were all fantasy stories, nonsense. But if any of that stuff was true, I think he would have a hard time facing me sober about it, even though I am loving and kind and realize alcoholism and drug abuse and mental illness makes people do terrible things. In fact, one of the things he said drunk, was that if he did any of these things he would want to hide it from me. I also wonder if he was abused as a child, something he talked drunk about and then denied.
I want to support him. I want him to be sober and live his best life. I want him to be able to be a parent to our kids. I am willing to figure out how to deal with anything --whether it's other drugs, sex addiction, being gay, not loving me... whatever. If I know what it is I can process. But anytime I talk to him he says things like I am just making it worse and he's not ready for a big conversation. I am bewildered.
I want to live my best life too. Everything I know is to be patient, empathetic, honest, forgiving... but also open, standing up for myself, and being self-aware of my own short-comings. I am looking for a healthy way forward. I feel like he might have slid into a lot of activities/behaviors that he is either ashamed of or afraid to share with me. Or is still doing. And so how can we move forward if he doesn't communicate?
He is listening to AA online every day, but he says he never shares. He is on Step 4, but has no sponsor. It makes me wonder if he just says he's going to the garage to listen to a meeting so he can do other drugs or watch porn/go to dating sites. Or if he legitimately needs space.
I don't understand why he is not open with me or affectionate or grateful that I am here for him. I want to be understanding, but I don't want to be taken advantage of and I obviously am having trust issues. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said no, but maybe he is just dragging me along. I am attending some Alanon, but I am at the very beginning of finding my way.
I'm trying to understand codependency. I'm trying to do things I need to do, focus on me, listen to meditation, clean the house, help the kids, work from home, take care of bills, everything. And it would all be easier if he was honest and on my side. I just don't know if this is common to alcoholic recovery or something(s) else.