My therapist told me last week that she wants me to work very very hard at resolving some of my issues and resetting healthy boundaries with my dad BEFORE he dies. I always thought it would get easier once he was gone - I know how that sounds - but I'm just being honest here.
Life with my dad is hell. He's mean, angry, resentful, unforgiving and cold hearted. He is no longer an alcoholic - after he had a massive heart attack 13 years ago he stopped drinking and switched to something more socially acceptable. It is much easier for him to justify and explain his need for the pills he is prescribed. He abuses them taking 6-8 mg of Xanax a day. THe night he had that heart attack 13 years ago - the doctors said he wouldn't live through the night. He continues to baffle medical science - most people in his condition should be dead or bed ridden. He still mows his own grass.
I've decided God is keeping him around long enough for me to work through some of my issues. I know how that sounds too - but there must be a higher reason. I am not only an ACOA - I am a recovering daughter of a narcissistic personality disorder father and I am a recovering addict. Yes - I have lots of issues. Lots more than I ever imagined I had. I've known about the addiction issues for almost 12 years - the other things were always there I just didn't have a name for them until I became conscious they existed in the past few months through therapy.
My father was very controlling - if not the direct control exerted over me as a child - then later it was the emotional and psychological control exerted in my entire adult life. Right now we are at a crossroads because I am getting stronger and I am establishing boundaries ot protect myself - he doesn't like it much and he's testing me. I haven't talked to him in two weeks. Not since I refused to play into the family game at Thanksgiving. My house -my children-my serenity- I did all the cooking and planning - I'll make all the rules. It didn't go over really well. Oh the rules were obeyed - but they were not very well received. The last conversation we had was - well if it's going to be like this maybe I won't come for Christmas this year. Okay I said - that is your choice. Period. Not another word. No arguing - no pleading - no justifying - no explaination.
So I'm being punished now. What I'm getting to is this. My dad is very sick - he will die soon - although I've thought that for a long long time. I have this terrible fear that some day he will disappear like this - he's not talking to me now - and after a couple of weeks I'll get worried and go by to check on him and find him dead. To be honest - I think he'd like for it to happen that way - what better way to punish his disobedient daughter for all eternity? I told my therapist about this last week and she asked me why I call him after no contact for a couple of weeks. I always worry and break down and make contact - which I see puts him back in control. But sh says I also get something out of it. I never thought of it that way. She says I get to play the good little girl. Haven't I spent my entire freaking life trying to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and obedient enough?? By breaking down and contacting him I keep his power over me alive.
I guess that makes sense - but what of my fears of finding him dead? Again - she says I get something out of that. I am so accustomed to beating myself down in his honor, taking the bad stuff to build him up so he can feel good, listening to the abuse, agreeing with him even when I didn't agree just to stay on his good side and not "stir the pot" that if I don't break that habit and begin to honor myself - he will die and I will spend the rest of my life in that role. I need to resolve it now while he is alive. Otherwise - he will go to his grave and I will go to mine still feeling "responsible" for him.
I guess that makes sense too now that I think about it. I always thought I was checking on him because he's my dad - because it's what I should do - because I need to and feel guilty when I don't. My therapist says anything we do with "should" in front of it is usually not positive and good for our personal recovery.
So here I am - trying very hard to honor her advice and do something new. But it's eating me alive. What if something is really wrong with him? Can I live with that? I don't know....I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. For once maybe he will be the one to try and bridge the gap - but I"m not counting on it. I'm not living my life expecting it...only trying to take care of myself and letting things work out the way they will.
I don't know if anything I've said here relates to your story. But it's what I thought of when I read it and I wanted to share it. I have the same pain and frustrations as you do about trying to fix my father, convince him how wrong he is, repair the relationship and finally recieve the love and honor I've always wished for from him. I'm finally staring to see that it wont happen - I'm 37 years old and I;ve wasted ALOT of my life jumping through hoops to please my father. Never once realizing it doesn't matter how much I do or for how long I do it - it will never be adequate. I've even given up relationships and friendships with people I cherished - to keep him happy and to keep his approval. Not anymore - it's hard - very very hard to break these old patterns, but I no longer want to be an emotional slave to my father. I have to find a way to break the unhealthy cycle.
Thanks for letting me share - and for sharing your own pain.
