kja

I'm not sure how I wound up on this page. This is my first post on here and I'm not even sure what to say. I've wanted and tried to stop drinking for years. I had 33 days once, then convinced myself I could drink like a normal person. It took less than a week before I started to binge again. I am so frustrated and angry with myself. I don't understand why I always pick up the bottle after telling myself I am not going to drink today. I don't even think too much about it really. Just start drinking without a care... until the next morning when my kids get me up at 7 am and I have to make them breakfast with another hangover. I think I hide my hangovers well... I try not to be grouchy with them and remind myself they are not the reason I feel like hell.

The part of all this that really has me the most frustrated is that I desperately WANT to stop drinking... but I also DON'T want to stop drinking. I just want to drink like a normal person and have 1 or 2 drinks and be done. But that's not me, it never has been really. I started drinking at 17 and the goal has always been to get as buzzed as possible. I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it and quite honestly it's exhausting. Trying to keep count of drinks and wondering what days I should or shouldn't drink. Trying to force myself to stop after the second drink and not feeling satisfied. Sorry this is a lot longer than I intended. I just feel defeated and I don't know that I will ever be able to beat this.