Originally Posted by
dandylion 
pizza, I am sure that anyone in the environment could see his deplorable behavior.No child should have to be in the position of defending their mother. That is too much pressure on their young shoulders. Sure, they love you, and I am sure that you feel validated by their defending you---but, they will carry the effects of this into their own adult lives and their own relationships in any number of ways.
No child should be or be allowed to call a parent vile names. Even if the parent deserves it. I hope that you will arrange counseling for the children and yourself to find healthier ways to protect them and give them a better outlet for expression of their own anxiety and stress regarding this family situation.
We each have counseling (not AH, he refuses). And I’ve told them a number of ways they can withdraw from interacting with AH or express themselves appropriately. They’re not little kids.
It’s that they just have had enough of him, they’ve seen me stand up to him (appropriately), and they don’t have the patience for his BS. I’ve also pointed out to them that I can and do defend myself, and that if I don’t respond, it’s not out of fear but out of detachment. They think that’s cowardice. They tell
me I’m wrongly defending AH if I tell them to be civil. Even when AH has a point.
I feel plenty guilty about how they’ve lived and I don’t need any more guilt, I’m all filled up. We’re in the middle of a quarantine and I’m doing what I can to keep things calm. If we’re going to make moves it will need to be after the pandemic.