Obladi

Hey, Tats. So first off, your summation of what has led me to drink for at least the last couple of years is a gross oversimplification. But that's ok - you don't need to understand - I do. At least to the extent I can ever hope to understand. Perhaps more will be disclosed in time.

Isn't it great?
I have not decided to drink.
I pretty much haven't even needed to decide not to drink.
I'm just not doing it.

I'm not sure if I know why, but maybe this is an instance where I don't need to understand completely. If I were to guess, the "why" is due to a whole confluence of events, not least of which is the belief that I am enough, that I am not less than anyone else and trying to "prove" it was only making things worse. As Courage said, I know who I am. But man, did it take me a long time to accept and embrace that. Clearly, it's still something I need to work at. And I need to work at reminding myself that I'm not an easy person to "get" for the ordinary bear. To know me is to love me, usually, but the majority of people don't have the time or energy. And that's perfectly ok! I don't aspire to be a social butterfly - I just want to be known. Brene Brown's lesson that I should only disclose myself to people who are worthy finally sank in. I don't become worthy by showing you who I am - you become worthy by showing me who you are. (This doesn't feel nearly as snooty as it sounds when I write it - it feels... like I value myself. As we all should value ourselves.)

As I've said before, living in this house is quite literally a physical manifestation of my intent. I eat, sleep, dream, think, suffer, learn, work and exist pretty much in the confines of this house and the walks I take almost daily. I'm committed. I believe in myself. I'm learning to be vulnerable in the "right" way and be reserved when there is no reason to expose myself to the very real possibility of being misunderstood. With the help of the fine people here on SR, I've finally gotten to the place that I understand that frickin passage on page 417 in a way that makes sense to me - and understanding it helps me to let go of the frickin bit. I've learned that when I'm bothered by something, it's often that (1) I truly do not understand and/or (2) I'm harboring fear in one form or another.

That last part - the part about fear - is my big reveal of the week. It wasn't until I understood that disturbance within me means there is something to examine within me (whether the disturbance was "justified" or not!) that I looked at that lifelong fear of being "less than" and "wrong" as truly crippling. And seeing it as such has worked with any number of other teachings/learnings/contemplations/meditations to... I dunno, neutralize it? Isolate it? Not sure how to describe it - it's like I have a very healthy amount of respect for how screwed up I've been emotionally, an acceptance that this stuff is real and I need to treat it like the toxic waste that it is. I can't just discover it in the barrel and pull it out bare-handed to get rid of it - because it's toxic! And pouring alcohol on it sure doesn't work - that just causes a flare-up.

I don't know, Tats.

What's gonna work when I go home? I'm going to know when I'm ready - I won't need to ask anyone if it's ok. But I will; I'll ask people who understand me, who are worthy of my trust and don't need me to be their mom. I'm going to stay the course, doing all of the things, basic basic things that need to be done. Eat, sleep, go to work and put in an honest day every day, go to meetings, take a walk, take my medications. Write and think and meditate and pray in my weird disjointed wonderful way. I'm going to continue acting like it really matters that I stay sober.

I don't know. I'm not ready to go home yet.