Day 15
The time is 03:45 as I start to write this in my sleepy rural village in the middle of England. The candles are lit - the silence is deafening - and a mug of freshly brewed coffee sits beside me as I catch up with the April class of 2020. This is my routine - the ‘safe place’ where I start my day - and it has to be my favourite time as I can be mindful, considered and calm.
Like many others words escape me with respect to your situation Karen. I’ll say no more as he is your son and you love him (obviously) but... well.... speechless.
Red - I hope your day went ok?
BWCA - your body and organs thank you for the two weeks rest you gave them. The liver doesn’t count days. The days are not lost (only in your head do they feel they are lost - something all of us in here can relate to). But the days are not lost - it’s just time to start the arbitrary counter again. Welcome.
I have a busy day today. I am on a Microsoft 365 Teams Board Meeting for most of my working hours (Teams is like Skype but on steroids for those not familiar with it). We will be discussing how we try and save the Company and 6,000 jobs. It’s amazing to think that two weeks ago I would have been leading this meeting hungover, foggy, suicidal and riddled in physical pain. Today I feel ready and clear of mind to do my best for everyone. Thank goodness it was COVID-19 that put the business in this jeopardy and not my drinking. I couldn’t have lived with it if it was alcoholism that was putting these jobs at stake. But it could have been. Oh so easily it could have been.
Mrs JT shaved my head with clippers (number one all over) a week ago. I’m not sure what the Board will make of their CEO looking like a war veteran? I think it goes nicely with my seven day old beard? I look a bit like one of those action men I had when I was a kid in the late seventies / early eighties. Just uglier. And a bit fatter! I have lost a ton of weight though in the last two weeks. Goodness I was in a really bad way. But the 12 pounds lost in 14 days through walking seven miles a day (-800 calories) versus drinking 3 to 4 bottles of wine a night (+2,200 to 3,000) calories a day (a -3,000 calorie swing) takes effect quickly. I’m amazed I’m only about a stone off being around my fighting weight again. Vanity has always been a rather ugly, yet welcome saviour for me.
I entered this class saying I had reached my rock bottom - that I would NEVER drink again. We become so absolute and definite don’t we? However I will not lie. The bank holiday weekend, with the sun beating down hard, gave my AV it’s own chair next to me on the patio. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a glass of red with Mrs JT? You deserve it. We can start again tomorrow! Why are you so all or nothing? Come on! We will just drink one night a week. You don’t have to be all or nothing. We will set up rules and stick by them this time. The wife would be happier too you know? She would love a ‘normal’ drink with her husband now and then. Hey! We could fire up House Party and talk to a few friends and have a laugh! Go ooooonnnnnnn!”
That was the internal dialogue. Both Saturday and Sunday night. I didn’t post on here as I wasn’t ever close to bending my will but the voice was powerful. Convincing. Slippery. I’m not a religious man at all (sorry) but it did feel exactly how I imagined Adam, Eve and the serpent would have played out... a cooing, convincing yet insidious voice... Anyhow that’s my ‘confession’. We all start out at 100% but no matter how poorly we became... no matter how convinced we are that ‘this time is definitely it’... that AV will never be far away.... so be prepared.
Wow I’m 35 minutes in (4:20 am) now. How time flies when one is writing and on a roll. I’ll go and make coffee number two now and wish you all the best for the day no matter where you are in the World.
Stay safe. Stay home. Stay Sober.
J “religious or not the holy book has a lot to teach us” T.