Thanks, dudes!
Had a bit of kerfluffle with the house manager last night, just in time to fret over it, wake up unsettled and have a chat about it with Daniel.
The whole thing was dumb - she announced just moments after I'd used the toilet that we were doing urine and breath tests right then. When I told her I'd just pee'd, she said, "That's ok - you have an hour." So off I went to chug down 20oz of water and wait until the mood hit. 34 minutes later, she asked me if I was drinking water and I replied that yes, I'd consumed quite a lot of water. To which she responded, "You have an hour." To which I replied, "Yep! I've got 26 minutes!" See, I thought we were just having a bit of a light-hearted interchange. But she thought I was giving her attitude. At first she wouldn't let me even respond to her correction of my words, but she did then hear what I was saying, "I thought we were having a conversation, not an argument!"
So you know part of my nightly ritual now is to do an inventory. I thought about what my part may have been in this misunderstanding and I came up with... nothing. Unless of course I'm to always keep my mouth shut unless asked a question. No, that won't do - it would just fill me with discomfort. I'm not much of one for walking gracefully on eggshells.
Unsettling dreams of drinking and of murdering my uncaring ex ensued. The ex was alive after I killed him, because this was a dream, after all. And also I'm a pacifist during waking hours. I woke up thinking the dream had to do with the thing with house manager...
Daniel suggested that being disciplined unfairly is a running theme with me - true. And that drinking in my dream is probably a good thing to look at as a relapse sequence. What is it about this unfairness that rubs me so wrong that I'd want to drink over it? And was my ex somehow the stand-in for the house manager in this dream?
Just to be clear, my conscious self didn't even consider drinking. This time. So... I'm not sure what I think of all that aside from there's probably something to examine there. That plus I sure do have a lot of time to think about my thinking. Oy vey.
I sent a text to my target-for-a-new-sponsor and she responded she's not up to talking as she's been in pain for a week. Which is very similar to her response when I texted her several months ago. So I guess I'll need to set my sights on a new target. Alas.