Hi Sasha,
I have no real answers but I can categorically identify. I replay things over and over. The self-hatred and guilt are like a screaming in my head . I am a terrible workaholic because I cannot bear to sit with me - I also exercise a lot for the same reason. I project an old age where I am too infirm to use my coping mechanisms and I simply rip my mind to shreds.
I decided that 15 years of torturing myself was enough so I started counselling this year. I only did 2 months as that was as much as I could handle and the perception shift was only tiny, so minuscule. But it was still a shift so I think that maybe I will revisit this again when we are out of the other side of distancing. Maybe that is the way I will do it, in bits here and there.
In the meantime, I listen to audiobooks through in-ear headphones at night. That helps me with the relentless replay. I am currently listening to a beautiful reading of Alice in Wonderland by Sir John Gielgud. His voice has such a wonderful timbre and the diction of a bygone age, it really helps me to focus on not just the story but each inflexion of his voice. I don't buy the audiobooks - I use YouTube as my source.
I am also in the UK, what wonderful weather we have had this Easter! It certainly seems to help to not have cold bones.
Warm wishes
Lucinda