Originally Posted by
pizza67 
Solo I sometimes fear Im heading toward that 43 years. Why do you stay and how do you survive?
I just typed a long response and lost it... here we go again
You can probably get a gist of my relationship with AH by reading my previous posts.. but in short, my husband is charismatic and gregarious--very "Trumpian" (but without the money-lol). And me? I'm the classic codependent--my father was alcoholic--left the family when I was 12 and died when I was 18 so I have a slew of emotional baggage around that. But my kids love him. We have an extremely tight family. In spite of his success in business when sober and then loss of his business when he fell off the wagon and all the other ups and downs of the drinking, we have made it through.
Last year (winter 2018/2019) AH was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He was quite sick but came out of it--mostly because he was sober for 7 months. We have two homes--we bought a VT home in 2017/2018. When we went back to our VT house, where we have a lot of partying friends, he fell off the wagon.
When we returned to NJ this winter, we had an awesome time again. Life was predictable. We achieved all of our goals, including seeing our grandkids (if he had been drinking, he would have been persona non-grata there). But back here in VT, again, especially with this coronavirus and my most-likely-alcoholic-son/drinking buddy, he is drinking again.
So, I've ridden the roller coaster of sobriety/active alcoholism. I would never recommend someone take the same course. Remember when Princess Diana said that in her marriage with Prince Charles there were three in the marriage? Well, if you are in an alcoholic marriage you have to be cool with being the "mistress" --not even the wife--in a threesome where alcohol dictates the rules of engagement.
I am severely codependent, so I have done it. He's cirrhotic now, so I feel it's hard for me to escape, and I honestly don't want to at this point. I've been able to bolster myself with a great, self-validating career and volunteer activities that provide me with an outside life. I have made my life around the alcoholism, but I do not recommend living your life expecting that things will get better. They won't without a heroic effort on your part to make your own life. Forget about a real marriage with an alcoholic. It ain't gonna happen.